I was on the floor with a blanket draped over me and a group of men circled around me. 

One moment, I was yelling and pounding on the floor. The next, sobbing. Rage. Grief. Rage. Grief. Back and forth. Unexpressed and carried with me for years, finally able to be released. 

Navigating the tension of wanting to feel seen, and fearing the danger that might come along with being seen. 

Eventually I embraced my power. I stood up for myself, maybe for the first time.

The blanket, I recognized as my shame. Keeping me in the dark. Keeping me hidden. But before I could cast it off, I needed to thank it. I may not need it today, but it helped me feel safe for years. 

And I was witnessed: As I am, as a man, by other men. 

Spinning around in that circle, I saw recognition, admiration, and love. I felt powerful, seen, and accepted.

Last month I spent 3 days at a retreat center in upstate New York with a group of eight other men for my first men’s retreat. 

It was such a great experience that I’ve already signed up for my next men’s retreat in October. But it’s hard to capture in words what makes an experience like this so impactful. 

What I described above was just a brief portion of the weekend, known as a healing journey.

I started my healing journey with my personal healing statement: As I change my life, I am unworthy. I had no idea what stored emotion that would tap in to, or how it would be expressed. 

But after going through that I felt lighter. Not just that day, but every day since.

Why I Decided to Go on a Men’s Retreat

I’m on a mission to help men become better men. 

I can’t do that if I’m not helping myself become a better man, so a big part of why I went on the retreat was my own personal development.  

And one of the suggestions my coach (and fellow retreat enthusiast!), Bob, made when I told him I want to work with men was to get in community with other men. Join or start a men’s group. Go on a retreat. 

A retreat seemed like a great way to start exploring men’s work and get out of town for a weekend. That way, if it wasn’t for me, it was only one weekend. 

But I needed to do something to figure out if this is actually the kind of work that I want to do. 

I also needed to take action towards my goals. 

Until I start taking action, my goals are just fantasies. By signing up, flying to upstate New York, and putting my ass in a seat I was actively engaged in turning my dreams into a reality. The best opportunities in life don’t show up at your door and offer themselves to you. Your dream job, your dream girl, your dream life.

They’re all out there in the world, waiting for you to claim them by taking action.

It was incredibly validating and enriching, both personally and professionally. I grew as a man, and I affirmed my desire to work with men on their own development.

What Happens on a Men’s Retreat

When I told people that I was going on a Men’s retreat, I jokingly said “We’re going to sit around in the woods and talk about our feelings. Cry, yell, scream, talk about our fathers, hug, that sort of thing.”

It was flippant but it was actually pretty accurate.

Unfortunately, this is the hardest part to put into words. I could give you a schedule of events, I could tell you the specific exercises we did, but without being there it won’t mean much.

Mostly, we sat in a circle and talked. 3 or 4 hours Friday night. 10 or so hours throughout the day on Saturday. Another 6 hours on Sunday. We did our work, and supported other men in theirs.

We felt our feelings, and checked them in. An important part of this retreat was the somatic expression of what we were experiencing. So we didn’t just say “I feel fear.” We verbalized what fear feels like to us: “I feel tension in my chest, and tightness in my jaw. My throat feels like it’s closing off and my hands and arms are tingling.”

Most of us did talk about our relationships with our fathers.

In From Wild Man to Wise Man, Father Richard Rohr describes the father wound as something we carry with us from an incomplete or inadequate relationship with our fathers. He writes:

Those who have this father wound have never been touched by their human father. Either he had no time, no freedom or no need, but the result is children who have no masculine energy. They will lack self-confidence and the ability to do, to carry through, to trust themselves – because they were never trusted by him. They fear and sometimes even hate the masculine side of God, for very understandable reasons. But the loss has been incalculable.

He describes the father wound as pervasive in modern society, afflicting the vast majority of people. The group of men who came on this retreat affirmed that, as we all grappled with our father wound to some degree.

And all of us cried and yelled, but most importantly, we connected.

We sat in our circle and told parts of our stories. We found connection in our struggles. We didn’t feel quite so alone on our journey. 

And we found acceptance in one another.

Who Should Consider a Men’s Retreat

Honestly, I think any man who is willing to be honest and is open to being vulnerable would benefit from going on a Men’s Retreat. 

But there are 4 specific situations for which a retreat would be especially helpful.

1. Men going through a transition

Whether it’s a traditional break up, a messy divorce, an unexpected layoff, or the birth of a new child, transition points in our personal life are natural inflection points. 

Is your curve going up, or down?

Be intentional about the man you want to be as you work through these difficult periods of change.

2. Men who feel stuck or stagnant

This one fit me.

I don’t like my day job. I’m trying to figure out what’s next, and how to get there. I know I need to make a change, but I’m not sure how, or what to change. 

I found some healing. I found some connection. And I got clarity on my path forward.

3. Men who want to challenge themselves to grow

If it’s done right, a retreat will make you a better man.

Do you actually want to grow? To heal? To show up for yourself and those you love?

Or do you just want to fantasize about it?

4. Men who struggle to connect emotionally with other men

For a long time in my life, I struggled to tell men that I love them. Even close friends. Best friends. 

Through this and other experiences, I’ve learned to share that. I’ve learned to be vulnerable and open with another man. 

And I’ve learned to be a vessel for his vulnerability.

Key Takeaways:

1. Men don’t often take the time to feel our feelings

As men, society tells us to keep all our shit bottled up. That expressing ourselves vulnerably is weakness. That emotions are unmanly or effeminate.

I used to believe that, too. 

On this retreat I saw some men go to some really dark places inside themselves. I saw men express pain they’ve been holding onto for 40 or 50 years. I saw men confront a facsimile of an abuser. 

It all took a lot of strength and courage to go to those places and to feel those powerful emotions,

2. There’s something incredibly healing in being witnessed by other men

I see you. I share your struggle. I can hold space for your pain. These aren’t typical things for men to say to one another, but this was the undercurrent for the entire weekend. 

A lot of men only open up to a partner, and have more surface level conversations with their male friends. 

We’re robbing ourselves of an incredible depth of connection, not to mention the healing that comes from having someone who understands what we’re going through.

3. Hearing other men’s struggles helps me not feel so alone in my own

There was a refrain throughout the weekend: “When one man works, we all work.”

Some of the most powerful moments of the weekend for me were during another man’s healing journey. I saw another man struggle with the weight of holding things together. I watched another man confront his father’s high expectations. 

And I had men come up to me after my healing journey and share how much it impacted them.

4. Men rarely take time away to think about how we’re being

Another question that kept coming up during the weekend was “Where do you want to be in a year?”

How often do we actually stop and think about that type of question? Most of us rush from one thing to the next, from work to home to work to home, and the years go by without us understanding how we ended up where we did.

This retreat was an opportunity to get away from all the distractions and obligations, and reflect on what we really want to get out of life.

My answer? This time next year I was to be traveling the world with the woman I love while writing and coaching men.

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Overall my first men’s retreat was an incredible experience. I’m excited to continue doing men’s work with EVRYMAN, and I’m looking forward to sharing this work with other men in my own coaching practice.

In the comments, let me know:

1. What questions you still have about Men’s Retreats
2. If you’ve had similar experience going on retreat, or
3. What fears you have that might keep you from signing up

For more information about the retreat I went on, click here.

And for more information about the next retreat I’m going on, click here.

And of course, if you’re a man who is striving to create the life of your dreams and could use some extra support, I’d love to help!