Attachment, Self-Discovery, and Resilience: 8 Lessons Learned From Taking a Year Off From Dating

Taking an intentional break from dating for 2023 is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I had unintentional periods during my 20’s when I couldn’t get a date. After I got out of rehab I had planned on taking at least six months off, but didn’t make it to three. And I’ve had other periods where I wasn’t on dating apps, but was still trying to date. 

This was the first sustained period where I wasn’t going on dates, on the apps, or even looking since I had my first crush in 4th grade.

Not dating wasn’t the only change I made in 2023 so it’s hard for me to attribute every improvement in my life to this decision. 

I was also working a program of recovery and going to meetings. I quit porn. I started the year unemployed, and was staying with my parents while I looked for a job. I got a job, and moved out of my parents house to a new city.

But not dating enabled me to stay present, and show up as my best self as I made all these other improvements.

I didn’t hit the ground running when I got back into dating in January, but I’ve undergone a monumental shift in my relationship with myself, with where dating and relationships fit in my life, and my attitudes towards women.

Here are 8 benefits I’ve gotten from the year I spent focusing on myself and my development:

  1. I changed my attachment style

When I first read Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller I was disappointed. 

They discussed secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles in depth. However, the anxious-avoidant wasn’t prevalent enough for them to spend much time on. Unfortunately, that was my experience: sometimes anxious, sometimes avoidant.

Then, in December of last year, I found myself taking an absurd number of personality tests one evening on the Dimensional app

While I recognize the limitations of personality tests, I was pleasantly surprised to land squarely in the middle of secure. We’ll see how the rubber meets the road whenever I have my next serious relationship, but after the first 6 months of the year I’ve found myself feeling more secure in my dating experiences.

So much of my anxious behavior in relationships was driven by a fear of being alone. Now I was alone by choice. I found that it wasn’t so bad. And my avoidant behavior was driven by a fear of losing myself in a relationship. Which is harder to do when I know myself well.

  1. I got to know myself better

It’s hard to be an impartial observer in our own life. 

Even more so when we have external demands grabbing our attention and dictating how we spend our time. For an entire year, I didn’t have a partner to pay attention to. I didn’t have to worry about what my partner might want to do on a Friday or Saturday night.  

Everything I did, I did for myself.

And so I got to know myself better. 

What I liked. What I disliked. And I started to be able to articulate why. I didn’t have to worry about whether a woman would like me more or less for doing something, or behaving a certain way. I’ve often described it as feeling like a more solid person.

Which meant I could do things for me that I wanted to do, giving me the space to bring some things back into my life.

  1. I rediscovered my hobbies

I started ballroom dancing in my early 20’s after college. 

I loved it so much I convinced 20 of my Navy friends to try it out, too. (It also helped that I got two free lessons for everyone who completed the intro package, and one intro package was much cheaper than two lessons). Over the years, between time out to sea and moving around the country and across the world, I stopped dancing. I kept trying to get back into it. But my time kept going to different places, none of which were dancing. 

With this time by myself, I was able to start taking salsa lessons again, and going out dancing socially. 

I was able to read a lot more, and made it through Robert Jordan’s 13 book fantasy epic The Wheel of Time. I started going to more museums, and did some painting of my own. 

And I learned how to do new things, like going to the movies by myself.

  1. I learned to do things by myself

For so much of my life, I was afraid to be alone. 

Existentially, sure, but  it bled over into my day-to-day life. I rarely, if ever, went out to eat by myself. Even eating at a fast food or fast casual restaurant felt strange. I certainly wouldn’t go do things by myself, like seeing a movie. 

Last summer I decided to try something different.

Once a week, I would do something by myself, for myself. I could schedule whatever I wanted, but if I didn’t schedule anything else I would have a movie night. I’d pick one I wanted to see, get myself a big tub of popcorn, and go see a movie. 

I was mortified at the prospect of sitting in the audience by myself. What would all these people think of me? There’s a loser who couldn’t find someone to go to the movies with him. 

But I pushed through the fear, and realized a couple things. First, a lot of people go to the movies by themselves. But more importantly, no one cared. No one cared that I was there by myself. No one was worried about what I was doing nearly as much as I was. 

And that realization helped with another big issue I had been facing.

  1. I developed better self esteem

There’s a term that gets bandied about in recovery circles that I identify with: an insecure egomaniac.

Either I assumed everyone was thinking or talking about me, or assumed no one was or would be. Either everyone was talking shit about me, or no one was, and if no one was, why weren’t they? Neither option made me feel good. 

But by choosing to be by myself, and doing things alone, I slowly began to understand what I had always sort of known. People are mostly worried about themselves. They don’t really care what I’m doing.

Doing things by myself showed me that I didn’t need others’ approval to do the things I wanted to do. This helped me to understand that the opinion that truly matters is the one I hold about myself. Choosing to not date for a year was a choice to dedicate a full year to myself and my development. 

And I must be pretty special to make that kind of commitment to myself.

Interestingly enough, cultivating this relationship with myself helped me show up better for others.

  1. I cultivated deeper relationships

I had a tendency to lose myself in my past relationships. 

Even when I wasn’t in a romantic relationship, I had to choose between seeing friends and going on a date. Last year, I didn’t have to make that trade off. I was able to focus on myself and cultivate relationships with those around me.

And as one healthy choice begets another, I stopped hanging out with people who weren’t enriching my life. I concentrated on depth instead of breadth. I was able to be there for others when they were going through a hard time in a way I hadn’t been before. I built new relationships and strengthened old ones.

And I made a change in one of my most toxic relationships.

  1. I changed my relationship with sex

Of course, this whole thing started with unhealthy romantic relationships and an improper priority on sex.

A lot of guys I talked to thought not dating for a year meant I would just be hooking up. That all I would be abstaining from would be relationships. When I disabused them of that notion, they assumed I was watching a ton of porn and furiously masturbating. 

But other than a couple slip-ups in January, I didn’t watch porn in 2023. And I took a break from masturbating before reintroducing it in a healthy way. I took the time to develop a legitimate, healthy sexual relationship with myself, rather than all the time I spent treating myself as a sex object, numbing out with porn, or losing myself in a woman.

I came to understand that while sex is great, it’s just sex. My approach now is that it’s just part of a relationship. Rather than stay with someone who isn’t a good fit so I could keep having sex with them, I’d rather be by myself.

It was hard, but during this year I got better at doing hard things.

  1. I improved my resiliency

Not dating for a year was hard. 

There were stretches where I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go a full year. There were multiple types of loneliness I had to overcome. Most of the people said something like “that sounds super healthy,” or “good for you” but also “I don’t think I could do it.”

Resilience is all about being able to do hard things. I could have quit at any time, but I woke up every day and chose to take the hard road. Now, doing something scary or something hard doesn’t feel nearly as intimidating. 

Worst case scenario, I end up back where I was: alone. And I’ve proven to myself I can thrive there.

I think most people could benefit from taking some dedicated time away from dating. If you’re considering it or have done it, please get in touch! I’d love to be a resource on your journey.

One response

  1. Brett Walker Avatar
    Brett Walker

    Delightfully excellent writing, Josh! Thank you.

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