Men are struggling. 

I don’t think that’s a particularly hot take. No one’s going to come back on me like “Nah, we’re crushing it.” When our job was to be the protector and provider, things were easier. Easier, but not better. The rules were simple. Success was simple. 

But the world has changed. The status quo has changed, and men are struggling to find their place in the post-feminist world. We’ve become a punchline. A meme.

On one end of the spectrum, we find ‘toxic masculinity.’ 

These men blame women and feminism for the problems facing men today. They want to bring society back 100 years, and put women back in the kitchen. The Andrew Tates and Jordan Petersons of the world. 

On the other end, but still equally dangerous in their own way, are the Nice Guys. They lack the self-respect and self-assertiveness necessary to find their masculine edge. They want to elevate women and relinquish their masculine responsibilities.

Two vastly different approaches, neither of which is working

I would like to offer something different. 

Another way. A golden mean. I grew up thinking that being a man was about having sex with a lot of women, drinking a lot of alcohol, and making a lot of money. And if I fucked more girls, drank more beer, or made more money than you then I was more of a man than you were. 

And it kind of worked for a while. 

I did all the ‘manly’ things. 

I was a three sport varsity athlete in high school. I played football, wrestled, and ran track. I went to the US Naval Academy, which still has an 80/20 male-to-female ratio. Served as an officer on a submarine that didn’t have any women on it. Got my MBA. 

I’m Ol’ boys club through and through.

But I was also a Nice Guy who was completely out of touch with my emotions. 

I sacrificed my wants and needs for those of my partner. I drowned my feelings with alcohol, and numbed out my anxiety with porn. I had no idea who I was, or what I wanted out of life.

I was miserable, and I didn’t know why.

Over the past four years I’ve been on a personal development journey. 

I went to therapy (gasp!). I’m learning to feel my feelings (ew!). I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. I’ve gotten sober from alcohol, drugs, and pornography. I’ve reevaluated my relationship with dating and sex. 

I have found my voice and my vulnerability, and I’m a better man for it. 

But I’m still figuring shit out. I’m far from a finished product.

So I’m starting Striving Valiantly to share my experience, and my struggles. To show that there is no effort without error and shortcoming. 

To strive means to make great efforts to achieve or obtain something, or to struggle or fight vigorously. 

Valiant is defined as possessing or showing courage or determination.

It’s taken from a quote know as The Man in the Arena by Theodore Roosevelt who was certainly a valiant striver:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

It means you have to work hard for the things you want in your life. It isn’t going to be fucking easy. Life isn’t a video game where you get to respawn if you die, or you get new abilities when you level up. It’s supposed to be hard. 

When have you ever heard easy used as a compliment?

I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a philosopher. I’m not a PhD researcher. I’m not a successful entrepreneur, or a millionaire. I don’t think it’s my place to lecture anyone on what it means to be a man. But I am a man, striving to be a better man. Sometimes valiantly. 

And I can share my experience, strength, and hope on this journey.

If you’re reading this, my hope is that you know that you no longer have to struggle alone. 

We can strive valiantly together. And if you got something out of this I hope that you’ll share it with a man you’d like to have a closer relationship with, and start a dialogue.

Don’t count yourself among those cold and timid souls.

Together we can follow the guidance of another valiant striver, Marcus Aurelius:

“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.”