A few weeks ago I was debating what to do on a Thursday night.

I had it narrowed down to two options. I could go to another speed dating event, or I could go out salsa dancing. In the previous week, I had ended things with one woman I was seeing and had another end things with me. 

Being completely single, the idea of meeting a new woman to start dating seemed pretty good.

While I would only be able to connect with 4 or so women at the speed dating event, I thought I’d have a better chance of coming out of it with a phone number and potential date for the upcoming weekend. There would probably be more women at the salsa night, but I’d have to overcome a lot more fear of rejection in getting to know someone and asking for her number. 

For most of the day I was leaning towards going speed dating. I thought it would be nice to go on a date that weekend, and speed dating was discounted for men, since they had a lot more women signed up than men. 

Ultimately, though, I decided to go salsa dancing, and I think why I made that decision is representative of the approach I’m trying to take towards my dating life right now. 

I knew from my previous experiences that some amount of luck would be involved in my meeting a match regardless of which event I went to. 

Sure, I’d have to overcome less fear and resistance to getting a number speed dating, but what if there was no one there I felt a connection with?

That was the question I asked myself that helped me make my final decision. Assuming I come out of neither event with a phone number or date this weekend (for whatever reason) which event would I rather go to?

Salsa dancing was the obvious winner. I love dancing, especially latin dances. I knew that my post event happiness was dependent on meeting someone if I went speed dating. With salsa, it was entirely up to me to be present and enjoy dancing. 

It was the least restrained I’ve felt dancing in a long time, if ever.

Because I was able to let go of an outcome.

Because I was able to enjoy the experience of dancing.

Because I was able to take chances and mess up dancing, knowing it was okay if the woman I was dancing with wasn’t impressed with me. 

In talking about my approach to dating recently with a friend I made an off-hand, tongue in cheek comment that really sums up how I’m trying to approach this part of my life right now:

I’m trying to fill up my life, not my bed.

Having someone to go on a date with, or having a partner to have sex with is nice. 

But I’ve gone through periods where all I’m doing with my free time is dating, and I’ve never found that to be fulfilling. With dating apps, it was easy to get a bunch of matches and line up a lot of dates. But then I would get on those dates and have nothing to talk about. 

All I did with my free time was go on dates and go out drinking with friends. 

Or lost myself in porn, if my friends were busy and I didn’t have any matches. 

Then, when I did end up in a relationship my partner became my whole world and source of entertainment. I didn’t have hobbies and interests to continue pursuing. I didn’t have a full, rich life that my partner became a part of.

It was a question of looking for someone to complete my life, rather than someone to complement it.

Getting a date is harder without dating apps. It requires a lot more courage and a lot more serendipity. But once I get that conversation going, dating is easier. I’m living a fuller life. 

I can talk about the salsa dancing I’ve been doing. Or the bookstore event I went to. Or the intimate concert with local artists. Or the yoga in the garden I did last week. 

There’s less pressure to get a date, because I have things to do and people to see if I don’t have a date. There’s less pressure to perform on a date, because my life is full whether or not she wants to keep seeing me. And by being out in the world and present, I’m increasing the surface area of my luck, creating more opportunities to meet someone.

I also enjoy life more, because I’m doing things I enjoy for their sake, instead of for an outcome I can’t control.

It seems counterintuitive, but my approach to dating and meeting women is to focus on something other than meeting women. 

If I keep putting myself out there, if I keep filling my life up, I have faith that the right dating opportunities will come along at the right times. I’ll meet the women I’m supposed to meet to grow in the ways I’m supposed to grow to become the person I’m supposed to be.

I didn’t end up getting a date from that Thursday night I went salsa dancing, but I’ve had some results. I went on a date with a woman I met in a fitness class. I got a phone number from a woman I met at a concert. But my hunch is that the less I focus on meeting women, the more women I’ll be able to meet.

What about you? How do you prioritize your life when it comes to dating?