After taking last year off from dating, I’ve been trying to meet and date women without dating apps. I told myself I’d give it an honest effort for 6 months, and if I wasn’t happy with my dating life by July, I could go back to the apps. 

But that raised the question, how does one meet women in 2024 without dating apps? 

Enter speed dating, which is apparently not just a trope from old movies (and is actually making a comeback!)

So I tried out a couple events. 

The first event was an update on traditional speed dating, which they called ‘matched’ speed dating. Rather than sit in a circle and having men rotate around the room, we were matched with someone at the bar we were at and had to go find them based on their picture. It was kind of like an in person dating app without the option to swipe left.

I went on eight 10 minute dates in an hour and half. 

It was completely exhausting to have the same conversation over and over, but it did get some of the dating jitters out of my system. 

I “matched” with a number of women at the event, but didn’t go on any dates with any of them. 

The second event was non-traditional. It felt more like an exercise in vulnerability than a great way to meet a partner. And it has a great new-agey name: “The Feels.”

It had a four-part approach: 

1. Proctored question for both parties to answer
2. 45 seconds each to deliver a genuine compliment to the other person
3. Somatic experience
4. Discussion on how that experience was for us

The questions weren’t your traditional icebreaker; they required a lot more depth and vulnerability to answer, especially with a complete stranger. Things like “When do you feel most free? When do you feel most constrained?” or “What have you learned about yourself sexually in the last 6 months?”

Which was admittedly difficult to answer as someone who hadn’t had sex in over a year.

The compliment seems easy on the surface, but after about 15 seconds it becomes challenging to compliment someone you’ve just met.

The somatic experiences are probably what gets the most eyebrow raises when I tell people about the event. 4 minutes straight making eye contact. Placing our hand on one another’s heart space. Holding a really long hug. 

All in all I had four vulnerable experiences with complete strangers which probably did a lot more for my dating comfort level than the eight 10 minute dates I had had a few weeks before.

So what did I learn?

1. There’s a lot of serendipity in dating

In both situations, I was limited to meeting the women who happened to sign up for that event that night. Even more so, I wasn’t able to meet every woman there, just the few I paired up with.

But I don’t think that’s specific to speed dating events, I’d say that’s representative of meeting people in the real world. 

With online dating it’s possible to swipe on everyone within a preset radius in a fairly short period of time. I know, I’ve done it in many different cities around the world. But meeting in real life is so much more random.

Get on a different train car and maybe you don’t meet that person on the metro. Get to the coffee shop 5 minutes later and maybe someone just walked out. Stay in instead of going out with your friends and you don’t meet that person at the bar.

It can be a bit discouraging to think about how many times you’ve just missed your soulmate. But it’s more likely you missed out on something that wasn’t right for you anyway. And it can also be encouraging. The right person might be right around the corner, if you get out there.

2. Manufactured vulnerability doesn’t necessarily lead to better romantic outcomes

I felt much closer to the women I was paired with at the Feels than the women I briefly chatted with at my other speed dating event. And it did lead to more dating opportunities, despite matching with less women. 

But once we get out of that environment, we’re still just people trying to get to know each other. Finding out who the other person is. Whether we like that person. Whether we like who we are with that person. 

And that vulnerable start doesn’t necessarily mean things are going to go somewhere they wouldn’t have otherwise.

3. I just need to trust myself more

Without a doubt, the biggest lesson I took away from these experiences is that I need to trust myself more and approach the women I’m attracted to.

In my first speed dating experience, a woman sitting at the bar caught my eye, and I thought “I hope she’s here for the event.” 

An hour and half and 8 dates later, she was still the woman I was most interested in seeing again. 

After the Feels I ended up going on dates with a couple women. But the one that lasted the longest, and whom I had the best connection with, wasn’t a woman I matched with. She was someone who caught my eye across the room. We connected because I DM’ed from the What’s App group we joined as the Feels Alums afterwards. 

So these speed dating experiences provided the backdrop for me to meet these women. But I see women all the time that catch my eye. I just have to go up to them and tell them so. Which is still the hard part for me.

I’ve seen a few other events and thought about signing up, or doing another iteration of ‘matched’ speed dating or the Feels. But with these takeaways I haven’t felt the need to sign up. I’m sure there’s a woman out there for me somewhere, but I think I’m more likely to find her putting myself out into the world than looking for her at speed dating events.

Have you had any experience or lessons learned with speed dating events?