I’ve been feeling a lot of impatience in my dating life lately. 

I’m frustrated with my approach anxiety. Which in turn, is leading to frustration with the number of dates I’ve been getting. And I want the results right now. 

I don’t want to have to go through the pain required to grow in the ways that I still need to grow.

I want the easy answer. I want 6 simple tricks to get the love life you want. I’m sick of striving, however valiantly.

In Atomic Habits, James Clear calls the period I’m in now the Valley of Disappointment. 

This is the period during new habit formation where there is consistent action but no noticeable change in results. This disappointment can often lead people to abandon habits before they see the noticeable change they are looking for. However, if people persist they’re able to break through the Plateau of Latent Potential.

Clear uses the metaphor of an ice cube not melting despite changing the temperature of the room from 25 to 31 degrees. All that energy hasn’t been wasted, it’s been stored. The magic happens at 32 degrees.

I don’t know what temperature I started at. I don’t know what temperature at now. Certainly not yet 32 degrees.

The truth is, I am growing. I am improving. It’s not exponential. It’s not even linear. 

But I’m not the same man I was 6 months ago when I was about to start dating again. I may not be where I think I should be at this point, but I’ve grown a lot in the past few months.

When I stopped my 90 meetings in 90 days challenge, I did so knowing I needed a different approach. 

A 1 rep max is the maximum amount of weight you can do on a particular exercise one time. It’s a maximum effort, not something you do everyday. 

I was trying to train my dating ‘muscles’ with a 1 rep max every day.

Am I, under the right circumstances, able to walk up to a pretty woman and introduce myself? Sure.

However, that’s not sustainable. To extend the fitness metaphor, I needed a way to lower the weight and increase the reps. And I needed some variation in my exercises. 

If I want to improve my bench press, I could just bench press. And I do need to bench press. But I can also do accessory lifts. I can do chest flys. I can do tricep work. I can do incline, or decline bench press.

And that’s the approach I’ve taken towards dating. 

Ultimately I want to be able to approach a beautiful woman and get a date. 

But if I never start conversations with strangers, how am I supposed to start a conversation with a beautiful woman? If I never give out compliments, how am I going to compliment a woman I’m trying to hit on? If I can’t even say hi to a woman when I’m walking down the street, how am I going to say more than that? 

So while I’ve had some success meeting women in person, the number of women I’ve approached this week isn’t my barometer for success.

I’m much more likely to start a conversation with someone in the elevator now. I’ve started introducing myself to my neighbors. Hell, I’ve even started giving out random compliments to women, with no expectations about what follows.

And with the women I have been able to meet, I’m having the dating experiences I need to have to grow in the ways I need to grow to be ready when I meet the person I’m going to be with. 

In the past 2 weeks, I’ve ended things with one woman I was seeing, and had another woman end things with me. But I pushed through the anxiety of an uncomfortable conversation with the former, and had an opportunity to treat myself like someone worth taking care of in the later.

I was also forced to confront a topic that I have a lot of shame around.

And I’m better for having both experiences.

I’m learning more about what I like and don’t like when I’m with someone. I’m learning to recognize when I’m actually into someone, and when I just want to have sex with them. I’m learning to recognize when my actions don’t match what I say my motivations are, and how to course correct.

Time takes time. 

Slow and steady growth is still growth. 

It’s easy to focus on the mountain ahead of us. To obsess over how far from perfect we are. And it is important to keep an eye on the goal of where we want to go.

But when the going gets tough, I know I need to focus on how much I’ve grown, rather than how much further I think I have to go.

I’m not there yet, but I’m a lot closer to where I want to be than where I was.

Where are you going through the Valley of Disappointment today?