Last night, the Michigan Wolverines beat the Washington Huskies to win the NCAA Football National Championship.
It was a hard fought game, and at the end there was a lot of emotion on both sides. Inevitably, the camera found some of the Huskies, tears streaming down their faces after the loss. There were a lot of shots of Michael Penix Jr with a towel over his face, likely to hide his tears.
College football broadcasts love to get the shot of the crying players from the losing team.
They’ve given it their all, and “left their heart out on the field,” and they’ve come up short.
For a long time, I thought this was one of a few circumstances when it was alright for a man to cry. It couldn’t just be any game. It has to be against a major rival. Or a big bowl game. A senior’s last game. Or the National Championship.
At the funeral for one of his parents. Maybe if his partner cheated on him (but do it privately). Or after losing a heartbreaking game.
The only time I can remember seeing my father cry was at his dad’s funeral.
I thought that otherwise, men shouldn’t cry in public.Some of this was related to the messaging I got from my parents around emotional expression. Things like “if you’re going to cry, go to your room.” Or “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Some of it was cultural. Movies or TV shows that implicitly or explicitly said that crying wasn’t manly.
As I’ve grown, and grown more comfortable with my emotions, I find myself crying much more frequently. I don’t feel the need to ‘hold it in’ or ‘be a man’ about it.
I cried over the loneliness I felt this past summer.
I cried almost everyday when I was depressed in 2020 and 2021.
I cried a lot mourning the loss of my last relationship.
I cry over beautiful moments, too. Someone showing true care and compassion.
There are still some instances when it wouldn’t be appropriate to cry, but I don’t think that’s necessarily related to being a man. I still need to demonstrate composure under stress. I need to be able to hold it together and get the job done when things get tough.
I have dreams of becoming a start-up founder, and I can’t break down crying in the middle of a board meeting, or while pitching investors.
I still struggle with it from time to time. I find myself holding back when there isn’t a good reason. Sometimes it’s easier to fall back into the mindset that I have to hold in my emotions.
My default instinct is to run away or escape from my difficult emotions, and crying often comes with the challenging ones.
I think the world would be a better place if more men let themselves cry more often.
We can’t shut down the ‘bad’ emotions without turning down the ‘good,’ too. We can’t find compassion for those that are struggling if we don’t acknowledge our own struggles. And we’re limiting ourselves emotionally if we don’t let ourselves cry when we need to.
And I don’t mean just after losing big football games.